Archive: If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend

(This piece appeared on Zam/ReadySet on 12/13/2017, but ReadySet has since rebranded and the archive has disappeared, so I’ve put it up here for my own nefarious purposes. It was part of their If X Were Your Y series, based on the Toast series of the same name.)

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, a lot of things would be different.

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, you’d quickly realize that it’s the most important thing in the room, even if it prefers to spend its time at parties quietly hiding on the outskirts, overshadowed by its flashier or noisier friends.

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, you’d always know when it was near. Its presence would generate a skittering sound in the back of your head, irritating, but comforting at the same time.

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, it would never be late to a date, because whatever else you might say about it, it is punctual to a fault.

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, you’d find yourself at a loss to explain your relationship to your friends. “It all just seems like noise to us,” they’d say, and you’d sigh and change the subject.

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, you’d sometimes get frustrated that it doesn’t maintain much of a social media presence, such that it’s basically pointless to try to stalk its exes on Facebook.

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, sometimes it would clam up for no reason, drawing into itself, impervious to your concern. You’d learn you just have to wait it out; it’ll come back, there’s no rush, just have some patience, it doesn’t like being vulnerable.

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, one day it would quietly tell you that in previous relationships, once it really revealed itself, its previous partners seemed to hit a wall, and quietly give up. The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers would then tell you that it appreciates your persistence, despite the fact that it can be difficult, sometimes.

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, one day you’d get a little drunk and ask it too many questions, like what’s its name, and where is it from, and why is it here, anyway (referring to the place, not the relationship, because you think you understand why it’s in the relationship, although, come to think of it, that too, why not). Though you’d think you’re just having some harmless fun, it’d just get real quiet and you’d realize that none of that matters, that that’s not the sort of relationship this is, that you already know The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers better than you’ve ever known anybody else in the whole world.

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, you’d sometimes get a little tired of its friends, particularly the Tentacled Obelisk That Also Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers and The Flying Spine Centipede Monster That Appears at 117 Seconds in Devil Daggers. You would find these friends exhausting, because they are very loud and active and never stay still, but you’d appreciate that it likes them, and realize that they help bring out parts of it that you rarely see when you’re alone together.

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, you’d realize that you never stop moving when you’re with it. And though it might look to outsiders like a panicked, frantic rush, you’d know it’s something else, because if The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, you’d always be dancing.

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, then you’d know, from the very beginning, that things could never last, and that eventually, you would destroy each other. But if The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, this knowledge would make you try harder, try to pull life out like taffy, stretch it out as far as it could go, straining and tense, but still whole.

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, one day you’d buy it some extravagant gift, some gem you wouldn’t really be able to afford. As it drew the gem towards itself, keening with delight, you’d wonder what it would be like if it kept that gift, and what it would be like if there were many more little spider feet around the two of you. You’d wonder if they’d look like your boyfriend, The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers.

But if The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, you’d realize you couldn’t really let that happen, that with all that’s going on, the last thing you’d need would be to deal with all the little Skull Spider Monsters it would like to have.

If The Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 39 Seconds in Devil Daggers were your boyfriend, then some days, long after things had ended between you, after your life had gotten even busier and more complicated, you’d see others like it, and some fleeting recognition would make you try again, but none of those other relationships (with, say, The Skull Spider Monsters That Appear at 199 Seconds in Devil Daggers, or The Somewhat Larger Skull Spider Monster That Appears at 274 Seconds in Devil Daggers) would ever last as long, or be as memorable, as that first encounter, because back then, you had time to focus and pay attention, and everything here seemed new.